At the beginning of becoming a parent, I had no idea how things would pan out. I knew how I’d like things to be, but life has an interesting way of having you learn to be really specific about the things you want in your life, family and home.

Being granted the opportunity to experience being a parent is something I wasn’t prepared for because growing up, the concept of being responsible for a child’s life seemed like a dauntingly sure fire way to mess up another human being’s future if one’s not careful. So I didn’t plan on having any children.

Back then, I thought trauma was only when one had a physical injury. But also I knew that when something unpleasant was experienced, it’s likely to have an impact on the person’s life, even into adulthood. Sometimes, without them even being aware of the fact.
I began an unrealistic quest to holding others accountable for the unpleasant and unnecessary experiences children were forced to endure, like correcting them when they wasn’t wrong, or accusing them of something they didn’t do or say. It didn’t matter how big or small the situation was, I reflected on ways to either best avoid certain things repeating themselves or at least a way to correct it.

I never understood why adults found it so challenging to apologise to a child or young person. Of course they would encourage a child to apologise to an adult or another child, but I rarely was awarded the opportunity to see or hear of an adult apologising to a child. Nowadays, I’d like to think that adults don’t face the same challenges in not being able to apologise to someone young enough to be their children. For those of us that already do you probably were fortunate enough to have been nurtured within a family who practises this, or maybe you know how it feels and wanted to break the cycle.

A friend of mine introduced me to a book almost twenty years ago by Louise L. Hay called You Can Heal Your Life and it changed everything for me. I learned that we have the power to change things around, we can heal from our pains and traumas and that it was actually possible to break inter and multi-generational traumatic cycles. 

Reading this book led me on to further studies into the concepts of self empowerment and healing, which led me onto empowering and supporting parents and their families specifically of the African Diaspora as materials for our community were limited, African American centred and or simply didn’t reflect our experiences and culture.

There’s a difference between sharing perspective and dictating, and my general focus is to share with those who would like to know and want to continue evolving with their families. Those of us who who already know, awesome! Those of us who don’t want to or need to know thats fine too. Some information is recycled and repeated and some is unfamiliar to us but is still worth a reflection even if you  feel that it’s not for you. You might find it useful for someone else you care about.

I look forward to sharing, growing and celebrating with you.

Debbie Field-Pellew (A Black British Parent)